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Parent of a drug user
Every drug user's experience is different - and so is the experience of the people who care for them. If you are a parent of a teenager or adult, a foster carer or a guardian of someone who is using drugs you can find information and advice here to help you through the times ahead.
WHAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH The journey towards life without drugs or with managed use is your journey too. Unless you take the difficult decision to ask your child to leave or find another home for them, you will be there on their journey, but you will also be on your own. You will have your own symptoms and setbacks, feelings and fears. Like your child you will have successes and moments of despair. And like your child's journey, yours will have key moments and stages.
discovery The first key moment is the discovery of drug use. You may discover evidence or gradually put the pieces together, but chances are you will face a time when your child admits to using drugs even if they deny they have a problem. Remember that many young people experiment with drugs and then reject them, or keep them as a minor and controlled part of their lives. But some do not. Whatever the reality, your discovery of your child's drug use will come as a shock, and to try and assess whether it is a problem or not under such circumstances is difficult.
It is that moment of realisation that is your first major step on the journey. From shock and perhaps denial you are likely to quickly move on towards guilt and blame.
blame Shock can only last so long. The next stage of the journey is when you move on to dealing with the drug use. A common first step is to look for reasons and for that search to lead to blame. Some parents blame their children for a weakness or failing, but many more blame themselves.
It's an easy target, and in a culture where drugs and drug use are misunderstood, it's inevitable that you will look for simple answers. Saying: "it's my fault... I could have been a better parent... I've let her down..." allows you to see the matter clearly and possibly see a way forward: "If I could be better... if I don't... if I can..." But of course there are no simple answers and no simple ways forward. At this stage of your journey, it is natural to hold onto them, even if that means blaming yourself.
But experience suggests that gradually, you are likely to move on from this stage, and be able to accept that there is a problem.
Don't get hung up on blame - If you can avoid it, try not to get too hung up on blame. Questions like 'why have you done this to me' imply that it's their fault. Questions like 'who gave it to you' imply it's the dealer's fault. Or it could be the school's, or their friends… But actually, blame won't make you feel better and it won't achieve anything. What's important is the future and where you go from here.
acceptance Caught up in a cycle of blame, you may well feel at rock bottom. But it is around now that you are likely to enter another key phase. At some stage, you will accept there is a problem, that the drug use is your child's problem, and that your problem is dealing with their impact on him or her, you and your family.
Acceptance is not a passive thing. It is not resigning yourself to the situation. It is seeing what is there and looking at the next stages in the journey. This is a very difficult moment for you because it involves accepting the problem but also accepting that the journey is a long one.
Here you will need - and our experience says you will find - real inner strength, particularly if you are coping with the rest of the family too. As with your child's journey, you may well relapse too, retreating into blame or even denial. But remember that your feelings are part of a journey that does move on. It may also move back, but situations will change and so will feelings.
Set clear limits - Acceptance isn't all about what children think and feel. It's important that your children are aware of your views and house rules too. Ask yourself these questions: What do you approve / disapprove of? What is allowed in your home? Will you support them regardless of what they do? Be prepared to make a fuss and take action if these limits are broken.
moving on The final part of the journey is about moving forward from acceptance to adaptation. Depending on whether your child is giving up drugs totally, or seeking to manage their use and minimise their harm, you will move towards adapting to that situation and his or her journey through detox and beyond.
This adaptation is about management. Just as your child will be looking to manage his or her feelings and new life, so you will too. You may need to look at redefining your relationship or your own life to help your child or to protect yourself and your family. You may need to be adapting work, social relations and finances to enable your child to keep going.
As well as the practical things you are having to cope with, you will also be coping with your feelings. Managing pressures like these is likely to be stressful, and it is not unusual to feel real resentment or anger at the situation or even at your child. You may for instance need to rethink your attitude towards drugs if you have always thought that 'just say no' was the only way forward.
As with your child, this stage is the longest and in some ways the most difficult. Your journey has put a lot of strain on you and your relationship, but it is here where you can look back and see how far you have come and the resources you have mobilised. As you adapt to the new situation, it is these resources that will help you.
Remember the three R's (Reassure, Reassure, Reassure) - If a child has a drug problem, it's important for them to know that you'll be there for them - from answering simple questions to helping them through difficult times. It's worth telling them that you trust them - but at the same time feel free to show disappointment if this trust's broken.
what is your child going through? When you are trying to help your child, it is important to find a way to see the world the way they see it, to be in their shoes. Every drug user's experience is different. Their reasons for starting, continuing and wishing to stop will be different, and your child's feelings will be unique. That said, experience suggests that your child's journey may well follow a particular route, and if you know a little about it, you are more likely to be able to manage your own journey.
If your child is a teenager, remember that any discussion of their feelings will need to take into account the massive changes that all children go through in adolescence. Rejection of parental attitudes and values, pushing boundaries, desire for risk, anger and the full gamut of emotions are at work as well as the effects of drugs. So don't worry if you can't figure out what is going on! Read below to find out about these key stages in your child's journey, and some practical strategies for getting through them.
becoming a problem Your child is not unusual. Like many young people he or she will experiment with drugs and at some stage this experimentation will have become regular use. More than likely your child drifted into this and the moment when they realise they have a 'problem' will come as a shock to them.
This moment is a key milestone on their journey. It may be traumatic and become mixed with feelings of shock and guilt, probably blame and undoubtedly, denial. Realising you have a problem can seem like admitting you are out of control, unable to cope or weak. And when mixed with the stigma and myths associated with drugs, this can be a very frightening time. But after this stage, acceptance and moving on becomes more likely.
Give your child space - Make the focus of the conversation your child and what they're going through. Really listen to what they're saying, paying particular attention to their feelings. And don't be afraid to ask them to clarify things - the more you understand, the easier it will be for both of you to move forward. If you have taken drugs think very carefully about telling your child about your experiences. acceptance It is impossible to say how long the initial stage of the journey will continue. But remember that it is a stage, and things will change for your child, you and the family. They will come to terms with their 'problem' and, hopefully, make a decision to move on. It is important to note that it is their decision. You can't make it for them. They will only continue their journey when they are ready.
The decision to stop or cut down their drug use and the decision to seek help (from you or others) are big steps. Your child knows the road ahead is not easy and they are being very brave in attempting to follow it. It may be a crisis that precipitates this next step or a more gradual process, but at this stage your child is preparing for what lies ahead, whether that is withdrawal or a life entirely free of drugs. Chances are your child will be scared, insecure and sure that they will fail - their self confidence will be very low.
Assumptions can be dangerous - Children take drugs for different reasons. Try and get them to explain in their own words what's going on for them, and treat what they say seriously. It could be that they want to rebel, they're experimenting or that drugs are readily available - not necessarily that they're having problems at school, for example. If they broach the subject be ready to listen.
withdrawal There are powerful and frightening myths which surround withdrawal. But remember that, although it can be unpleasant and difficult, the physical and emotional symptoms vary depending on the person, the sort of drugs that were used, and the length of use.
It might be easy to observe what your child is going through on this stage of the journey in terms of physical symptoms. But emotional symptoms are far harder to see. It is at this stage that your child begins to really deal with the idea of living without drugs. It is hard for a non-user to appreciate how difficult and overwhelming this idea could be. Your child is not just rejecting drug use. They are also potentially rejecting their friends and their sub-culture. They know they will be going back into the same culture and may wonder how they will ever fit in, be accepted or achieve any status. On the other side they might also feel guilty or embarrassed that they let their use 'get out of hand'.
Whatever the dynamics, the thought of a life without drugs is frightening, and this makes the detox stage of their journey all the more difficult. But once they have got through it, they will be ready to face the future with your help.
Preparing your child and yourself for this period is important. In concrete terms you could:
But you need to be emotionally prepared too. No one likes to see their child suffer, and your child is likely to be very dependent on you for the strength to get through this period. You are probably used to being very strong for your child. This may be even more difficult. If you are part of a support group, you may like to talk to others about their experience and even ask for help
the future It may take more than one attempt to get to this stage of the journey but, when your child gets past withdrawal, he or she has to deal with their new life. This new life may have lots more time in it and possibly better health - but also the same emotional, relationship or peer group problems. The only difference is that now your child doesn't have drugs to help them hide or escape
Those fears and insecurities they had about their 'new life' without (or managing) drugs are now all too clear, and they probably feel very much on their own in coping with it. It probably doesn't help that people think it's all over. You might want to congratulate your child on having stopped using, but chances are that she or he is feeling more inadequate than heroic, more insecure than confident, and certainly more frightened. It is little wonder that many relapse. But small steps can bring new confidence. Challenges met without drugs - whether work, home or even just physical challenges - can help your child rebuild their self-worth and give them the strength to move on.
Needless to say, this stage of the journey is the longest. Some say it never ends. But, like the rest of the journey, it is a stage. If your child can see the whole journey - and you can help them here - they are more likely to be able to deal with each step.
Remember the three R's (Reassure, Reassure, Reassure) - As your child progresses through withdrawal, it's important for them to know that you'll be there for them - from answering simple questions to helping them through difficult times. It's worth telling them that you trust them - but at the same time feel free to show disappointment if this trust's broken.
drugs information Some use it to refer to any substance that affects how we think or feel. This can include alcohol, tobacco and caffeine. More often it is used to refer to a range of legal substances that young people can misuse such as prescription medicines and volatile substances such as glue. In this context we use it to refer both to illegal drugs - such as cannabis, ecstasy and heroin - and legal substances.
There are a few points about drugs and drug use that are worth bearing in mind as you consider your child's drug use:
Your child will have his or her own reasons for using drugs.
If you know which drugs your child is using, you might find it helpful to find out more information about them in our A to Z guide to drugs. The more you know, the more help you may be to them and the more in control you are likely to feel.
practical advice How do I know if my child has a problem?It is very easy to become paranoid. Normal parental concern can become suspicion which can lead to accusations or mistrust. You may see obvious warning signs:
But knowing your child well, you may spot other more subtle signs that their drug use is getting out of control:
Of course these changes in your child's personality may not be connected to drugs. After all she or he is growing up and adolescence is as powerful a force as many drugs! Ask yourself: What makes me think drugs are involved?
Children often talk about drugs. The issue of drugs issue is raised in schools and youth clubs. It is in the media. You may be tempted to resort to a drug testing kit. Think this through carefully. Many drugs pass out of the system very quickly and so will not be detected. Even if you find out the truth, it is unlikely to change your child's behaviour and may cause so much resentment that any help you offer will be rejected. The best way to find out and the best way to help is to talk to them - of course this is easier said than done, particularly when it comes to teenagers!
who can help? To help you choose the support you may need we suggest you consider the following:
Telephone help lines. These typically offer information and can refer to other appropriate organisations. Other help lines go further and offer an opportunity to talk and explore your situation thereby coming to consider what to do next and how to support yourself better. There are help lines covering many issues, from drugs, alcohol, parenting, mental health, prison issues, etc. The person you speak to may be either a professional or a volunteer (who is often someone with personal experience of the issues).
Support Groups. These are regular meetings of people in a similar situation who are facing similar difficulties. There is typically a group leader who may be a professional, such as a drugs worker at a local drug agency, or a volunteer usually with personal experience. There are many support groups and organisations that have been set up to support families affected by someone else's drug or alcohol use.
Getting information and support in person. This can be accessed in various ways, such as a local drug or alcohol agency, Prison Visitors' Center, etc.
Counseling. This is confidential help from a professional who can help with personal difficulties, problems in relationships and ways of coping better.
Community support. This can range from a local Church or Mosque to a neighbourhood community group. They typically offer general support rather than particular help with drug and alcohol issues.
Things to consider when choosing help
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Source: ADFAM (http://www.adfam.org.uk) Last updated: 24 August 2004 |